Back in 2009, I decided to sell/donate/trash most everything I owned and move to a remote island for two years to teach Marshallese children on the Island of Ebeye.

I was talking to a client at work and telling them I was leaving and that their account would be in good hands. Chuck was an entrepreneur who made great money and travelled everywhere his heart took him. He was free, satisfied with life and fulfilled.

After telling him of my plans to pretty much insert an intermission in my conventional 9-5 work day and slam the door good-bye on it, I remember Chuck saying, “Wow, now that’s really living right there. You know? You’ll really be living…”

I’ll never forget that – it took me by surprise but he was right. Fear had kept me strapped to a job making money for someone else that I didn’t enjoy doing in the first place. There was no reward, no sense of satisfaction or fulfillment for me.

Just money to pay the bills, steady income to stay independent and ugh! The boredom of it all!

For some people, this is a perfectly fulfilling life and they don’t want anything crazy or out of the ordinary. That’s great and I wish I was more like that sometimes – it isn’t easy never being satisfied with a life that’s so readily available. Why do I have to pine away for adventure, new experiences and something beyond the normal day to day routine of work– eat-sleep- do it all over again? Why do I feel this way about it?

Writing helps – painting helps – of course traveling eases the tension within my soul but it’s just not enough – I still feel fettered by this thing called ‘work’. I find no sense of freedom in it because it isn’t satisfying for me.

So many people break out of it and become entrepreneurs – how is it I can’t manage this? I think I get comfortable with the ‘easy’ and I fear losing out and having to start again. Which is odd because I’ve already done that once and I’m more blessed now than before my little island intermission.

I’m kind of using this blog to hone in on what exactly I’m desiring and how I’m going to attain it – changing your life around takes time and a lot of planning. Instead of journalling I’ll blog it because maybe I can help somebody somewhere out there who feels the same way I do. And that will make me happy – because that’s what I enjoy doing!

I love the satisfaction of work in general- it’s fulfilling….when I’m being creative and/or helping others I find satisfaction in that. Not so much anything else. The rest of it is total monotony. Pushing papers that helps no one, fighting computer glitches, printer malfunctions, slaving through the day so that I can…..turn around and do it all again tomorrow. I’ve helped no one better themselves, I’ve encouraged no one, I’ve created absolutely nothing and so it’s just dead to me.

If I can offer any inspiration, don’t give up on your dream, keep it in your sight. When you give up, you lose. Better to try and go for it and lose – at least you’ll learn something in the process and be ready to go for it again having learned from any mistakes and being stronger the second time around.

I just think life is too precious and the people that are in need are too vast to just sit behind a desk pushing papers. I need to make a contribution for the kingdom of God. God’s got a plan – I’m just going to have to be diligent in searching, patient in waiting and remain faithful right where I am until it comes to fruition and God (or is it me?) is ready to move~