How to stop controlling and start loving
The freedom to love and be loved without fear is an internal work we can do with God’s help. It will eliminate the need to control others in order to keep them from getting too close or to keep them from leaving. One can freely let people come into their life or go out of our life without feeling broken. The connections which remain are more secure, nourishing and real when we learn to love and let go of our fears.
Love that controls is selfish in that it seeks to protect the controller. Keeping someone at a distance so we don’t get hurt and shackling someone to us so they can’t leave isn’t love, it’s fear-based anxiety. And it only causes more anxiety because, alas!, we can’t control other people.
One way we can let go of our fears is by accepting them and not being overly fearful of being hurt. In-other-words, we may know what it feels like to be abandoned or rejected and accept that it hurts. But we can also understand that we are worth it. Finding true meaningful connections is worth trying and losing sometimes throughout the course of life.
Identifying the source of controlling behavior
Controlling others in order to keep ourselves from getting hurt stems from two pressure points:
- The fear of intimacy – getting too close to those we love, thus risking hurt
- The fear of abandonment or rejection – a direct hit to our self worth
God’s love will envelope both of these fears, I promise you. But we have to yield to Him and let Him do the work within us to learn that people come and go and our worth isn’t based on their decisions.
What we sometimes don’t realize is this; if there is anyone who does not deem us worthy to be with them or part of their lives, we never question if maybe it’s because they shouldn’t be or at least, not yet. If God is making you wait, it means He hasn’t said ‘no’, but get busy while your waiting and improve yourself. it may just be that God has something better for us. Let’s stop giving people power to set our value. God’s already set our value: we are worth the blood of His Son, Jesus Christ. Priceless.
Every one makes judgments, as we all should, just make sure you aren’t directly tying your self worth and self esteem to someone else’s judgment of you. This is co-dependent behavior. The ultimate correction to this is putting God first, and not another human being above God. Codependency is a form of idol worship, hands down! Don’t do it. It will crush you and your relationships.
How to recover and learn to love again
Moreover, we can make it a choice that losing isn’t going to harden our hearts but instead, we can learn from bad experiences and keep our hearts soft and palpable.
Do you think that’s weak?
On the contrary, when we are weak we build walls and turn cold. The truly strong person is the one who is able to dust themselves off from a huge disappointment and go on to love again, completely open and vulnerable. It’s called endurance. It’s called courage. It requires staying humble and understanding our worth and value.
Is that difficult? Sure it is, but it reaps far greater rewards.
And we don’t have to do this inner work alone. God’s love can help us stay warm and positive in our relations with others. We as humans are defensive by nature as a form of self-preservation. It’s our ego that betray us because we can’t see our true worth. When we understand our true worth, then we know we are complete and lacking nothing. No one else can complete us. God will bring the right one to compliment us, but never to complete us. This is codependent behavior when we think we aren’t whole without someone else. It’s also idolatry. But more on that later.
A great article here if you want more on how to eliminate defensive behavior in your life and relationships.
Protecting ourselves from the pain of heartache
Should we not worry about protecting ourselves? I think we should protect ourselves – but not by worrying about getting hurt or trying to control our circumstances to yield less hurtful results. That’s exhausting.
Let’s go about it with a totally different mindset: put God first, serve others, do our best in relationships to be open and caring and know that anyone who stays is genuine, and anyone who leaves is not meant for us. Our lives are God’s tapestry work, some threads come in and go out of the tapestry, others are worked throughout the entire tapestry of our lives.
God knows what He’s doing. When we try to manipulate outcomes, keep people stuck and unable to leave or push people out because we are afraid, we are getting in His way and hurting ourselves and others. He knows what is best for you and me – He cares about every big thing and small thing that concerns you. Let go and let God work things out in your life.
Let God’s love lead the way
Love affords us the opportunity to be at peace. Listen to how God talks to you and comforts you:
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5.7
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29.11
“If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.” John 15.7
When anxiety was great within me, Your consolation brought me joy. Psalm 94:19
“And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Comforter, [the Holy Spirit] to help you and be with you forever.” John 14:16
Will life bring hurtful situations? Sure, that’s life. But the grace to handle those situations should flow from a place within us where we are confident in who we are, confident in God’s love toward us, and that we know we’ve done our best.
The understanding of God’s love remedies codependency
Ask God for wisdom about this and ask Him to open the scriptures to you. He’ll lead you to the right people who can teach you and feed you the pure milk and substantial meat of the word of God. God never disappoints!
“Only ask, and I will give you the nations as your inheritance, the whole earth as your possession.” Psalm 2.8 (wow! God always goes above and beyond)
If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. James 1.5
Taking the first steps forward to love
So then, dealing with the controlling, fear-based approach to love and patiently changing that into an ability to allow people to come and go from our lives without reacting negatively and trying to control them is a good step forward.
Putting God first, serving others, working on ourselves by asking God to increase our knowledge and being open and vulnerable (with God’s help, prayer is the most powerful force on earth) is another good step forward.
Love is the freedom to let go
Learning how to process hurt and rejection so that it is understood as a feeling separate from our worth and value is so extremely important to our healing and growth as individuals. Remember, we want people who stick with us because they choose to stick! We want people who come into our lives and bring beneficial positive contributions longterm, where the equality is on-point and the partnership is mutual.
We don’t want to keep people in our lives we feel compelled to control, who don’t care to stick with us and leave us feeling anxious all the time. Controlling behavior is toxic, negative, unfulfilling and hollow. When we allow people to come and go freely, then those left in our lives are the result of genuine mutual interest. Once we better understand this, when quality connections come into our lives we’ll be able to make positive connections and keep them. Putting in the extra effort then will be rewarding when the feeling is mutual and each individual has excersised freedom in their choice of each other.
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 1 John 4.18
God’s love instills us with courage
Perfect love casts out all fear. God can help us with this understanding. It’s His love that endures all things. What I am writing about is not a simple, easy change. This takes work – a lot of hard introspective and difficult work on oneself. It has taken me years and I’m still growing every day in the ability to become more vulnerable and less defensive. I’m not writing about something I don’t know and haven’t struggled with – and one thing’s for sure, God has made ALL the difference. His love is perfect over us..
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
We can learn to love each other with His love and not our own, broken, selfish love.
But letting the right people move freely into and out of our lives means that the ones who stick are the ones that are real, true, committed and pure in their intentions. These are the bonds we should look to nurture.
Embrace love, trust in God and let everything go. Instead of wasting energy and time controlling people, let’s use those precious commodities to love others. Know that it’s a process that starts small and then grows with time. Those who stay are the real deal and worth our time. Whoever doesn’t stay leaves room for the real to show up and form secure bonds which will last and fulfill us for life.
Featured Image by Karim MANJRA