Tag: overcoming depression

The Cradle of Storms

On By Ashley GatewoodIn Bread & Butter MorselsLeave a comment

Warming My Bones

At year’s end 2021, I was doing a good job keeping my unfocused, creative self in a good routine, being productive writing, painting and capturing a few good creative opportunities. I had a good support system of family and friends, so although Covid restrictions – and later complete tyranny – was a formidable headwind both physically and emotionally, I was holding the balance of work-life flow nicely. I’ve not been as comfortable and at peace with my life as I was throughout 2021. It was amazing.

Things were going so well, I was content and warm snuggled up at my writing desk without a care in the world, day after day throughout 2021. Only be creative and work hard at it, the rest will fall into place, I told myself. My communion with the Lord in prayer dwindled. Meanwhile, the world outside was blowing up a multitude of storms in opposition to everything I considered myself to be and the values I hold dear. I saw it raging outside my window, gathering in strength and area of effect, but decided to ignore it.

I kept thinking, this covid mess will pass soon enough, just keep your head down and work.

But by this time, it was already too late.

I Should Have Known Better

Daily I take time to listen to the word of God. I break bread with a select group of ministers. This has always been an anchor for me – indeed for all of us who are the Body of Christ. But we can’t neglect prayer and reading God’s word, and I grew increasingly relaxed about both. The flesh can get stubbornly rebellious when it comes to prayer putting forth every kind of excuse not to yield to the flow of the Spirit.

It is the presence of God which brings us power, peace and strength. True, we can find these three things in our close relationships but there is no substitute for His power, His peace and His strength in our lives. Time spent with God in His word and in prayer is a matter of life and death to those of us born into the kingdom of God. We can’t expect to live a victorious life without spending time with the One who conquered it all. We’re not of this worldly kingdom, but of the kingdom of God.

“When the devil had finished all this tempting, he left Him until an opportune time.” Luke 4.13

Christians are the devil’s top priority when it comes to attacks. God will never forsake us, but the less prepared we are, the more it hurts when those fiery darts are aimed and shot into our lives by the wicked one. The more in God’s presence, the more anointed, the more in communion with the Holy Spirit we are, the less we are affected by all the wiles of the devil.

“Put on the panoply of God, that ye may be able to stand against the artifices of the devil.” Ephesians 6.11

A Perfect Storm

We’ve all experienced loss. I’ve experienced three different types of loss in the past eight years. The first was a vision I based my entire potential ministry plans upon. I learned my lesson and it is this: never follow your own vision in hopes that God will bless it. You will struggle the whole way and eventually lose it. Stick with God’s vision for your life – it far exceeds anything we can dream up on our own. Even though His vision starts out small, it’s the right choice no matter how big the other opportunities may be. Choose God first, the rest will fall into place and you’ll forego buying the bill of goods the wicked one peddles.

The other losses were of people, one of those being my Dad. I was already struggling with what seemed to be a quiet but abiding sadness which I couldn’t shake as the summer of 2022 approached. I had organized all my research for the book and written the first rough draft. So many things were going right I couldn’t figure out how I was so down.

Upon reflection, it was a combination of all those storms of life and disruption of routine, strange government overreach that left me feeling unprotected, frenzied online mob persecution over masks and vaccinations, all the unrest in the world during this time, and finally the loss of my father in the summer of 2022. This perfect cradle of storms were too much for me to continue forward having no garments of prayer wrapped around me to protect me. The devil sought an opportunity, found it and came in like a flood.

I sank. Into nothingness.

My Own Personal Island of Fogs

Suddenly on top of all the strange sadness came every responsibility that my father was undertaking; it all fell to me. It was in good working order, he was smart, and all was streamlined and uncomplicated. But it was all new to me, suddenly new people to deal with, new circumstances to manage, and all with the awareness of the absence of him no longer in my life.

In addition to an already stressful situation, there are always those few who tilt toward malevolence; nosey, cruel, vindictive and manipulative. I was thrown into a pit of vipers and unknowns without a stitch of spiritual armor to cover me. And filled with grief from all the loss.

The clock struck and my writing was defenestrated for an indeterminant amount of time. Everything I did seemed to include a wave of subtle sadness during this period, including the gathering up of my pages of notes and scribbles and drafts of the book I was writing. All the documents from my dad’s passing, all the mail, all the papers and items were slowly taking over my work desk area.

Paralyzed in the Swamp

I remember stacking the chapters of beloved characters and worlds that had brought me such joy together in a pile and placing them in the back room on the self. The sadness of putting the book aside wrapped around me like a wet blanket. Some things are just a part of who you are and without them you are incomplete. In addition, I had no schedule and nothing to do, and no motivation to do it anyway. The only thing that spurred me awake was the drudgery of legal paperwork and sorting my late father’s affairs.

I felt like Artax in the Swamp of Sadness, and again like the boy Atreyu trying to pull myself up out of it…yeah, maybe that.

This is not where you want to find yourself.

Seriously Think Through Whatever You’ve Done Wrong and Change It

The good news now is, all the intruding documents and responsibilities and unknowns are being sorted, wrapped up and dealt with — the situation finally reached that Critical Mass I previously spoke of and can only deflate. The False Narrative my own government was using against me has been shown in the light along with all its fowl rotting guts being investigated and put to shame. (I’m exceedingly angry still.) And it won’t be long before the defenestrated writing project is back in its proper place: occupying my thoughts and the tips of my typing fingers. Taking one step at a time. The clouds are clearing. God is faithful.

He brought people with strong voices into my life during this season, were it not for these leaders, family and friends during the darkest hour I’ve yet to experience in my life as an American, I’d have surely gone under and not been able to recover myself. Thank God for bold men and women on the frontlines standing for truth and not backing down.

Feeling the Warmth of the Sun After the Storms

After brunch with some friends the other day, I picked up two science fiction novels at our local bookstore. They were an unexpected find. I also wasn’t expecting the excitement I felt about them – in that moment I knew I was returning to myself again, leaving the Island of Fogs behind.

The only thing more stupid than stupid is the same perpetual stupid. Thank God that He is always there to reach out His hand when we start sinking to impart wisdom and knowledge leading to a better path of action. Maybe next time I can be the hand that reaches out to help instead of being the one in need of it.

This time around, God comes first. This mistake will be corrected gladly. All other things will be added to our lives: books, connections, people, opportunities – without any doubt they will be added if God is placed first at the top of all, for the word declares it.

Put Him first, there really is no better way. The storms are already gathering in strength along the horizon. The time is short.

Pray while the sun is shining and while the rain is falling! Pray always.

Featured Image by Georgi Kalaydzhiev 

The Tapestry of Life

On By Ashley GatewoodIn Love:: Lifestyle:: HealthLeave a comment

Here we are at the cusp of another year ending and a new one beginning.  Even though it’s a day just like any other, there is something more poignant about observing the calendar change from one year to the next.

It’s a time when many begin to reflect on the previous year and try to summarize its overall theme. If only life could be like that – where we could take certain times and seasons and leave others behind. But our lives are cumulative where each experience, every emotion and every circumstance adds to our life and our character.  Sometimes life doesn’t always imbue a celebratory reaction from us, especially when we’ve suffered loss, setbacks, depression or other difficult circumstances.

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In a way, our lives are like tapestries where everything and everyone we experience are woven into the fabric and as time passes, the colors change and the work of art expands and begins to show the intricacies of God’s hand in our lives. People are woven in that continue in the tapestry for the whole of our lives. Others are woven in only for a few seasons, and then their thread ends. Sometimes when we go through the rough patches in life, we can’t see the whole picture, we don’t fully understand how it could be of any use to us at all to lose things, to hurt, or to experience difficulties.

And really, God has given us every means of getting through this life while keeping joy, peace and love close to us, surrounding us and keeping us through all the darker hours of our life. But I will be the first to admit, this is difficult in and of itself. I have at certain times in my life clung tightly to joy so as not to drown in sorrow; but alas, I drowned anyway.

But isn’t this life? Isn’t life a choice? If so, then we need to choose life. God never said we wouldn’t have to endure suffering; but he doesn’t at anytime say depression, darkness and fear are things we have to live with. No. That is the Good News of the word of God, that we do not have to fall prey to these things. We will have to work through them, but the promise is that love, joy and peace can be had throughout our suffering. The promise is that Jesus has made the way for each of us to commune with God having paid that price for us. And with God, all things are possible, this instills hope, which in turn increases joy. And suffering won’t last. To everything there is a season, as Solomon said, so just know that your season of happiness and peace and freedom are coming.

If it’s one thing that should be remembered, it is that we should never feel guilty about our emotions and how we work through them. It is never acceptable to hurt others because we cannot control our own emotions. But don’t feel guilty if you are in a place of mourning, or sadness or regrouping and getting your life back on track and it’s taking you longer than you thought. Your true friends will always be there to encourage and help.  (But if anyone is hurting you because of their inability to take responsibility for themselves and their own emotions, then think long and hard about why you are allowing this person to stay in your life.) Sometimes moving forward and making positive changes means walking away from someone who is hurtful to you.

Trials make us stronger. They dig into the deepest part of our soul and challenge us to rise up and overcome. Don’t get down on yourself if you are unable to rise immediately to the task. We have all fought many battles that have taken multiple attempts to first understand, then overcome.  Sometimes the hardest part is first realizing our situation and circumstance, then finding the courage to take action and do the right thing.

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Life is about people – but don’t forget you are a ‘people’ as well. Don’t forget to look after you. After all, if we don’t know how to love ourselves, how can we effectively love anyone else? If we don’t know how to overcome self-doubt, fear, loneliness, hardship and  suffering, how can we help others do the same?  These are the lessons, it seems, that are the most colorful in that tapestry of life we were talking about earlier. They are the hardest to work through and overcome but the pigments are the brightest and most elaborate because they are the fabric of our existence.

Let me say that once more: The harder lessons are the pigments that shine the brightest and are most elaborate because they are the fabric of our existence – because we have that choice remember? Choose life so that others can see what you’ve overcome and take courage to do the same in their own difficult circumstances.

These are the stories that resonate most with others, pulls them up out of the pits they’re stuck in, shines the light into the world’s darkness so that others can find their way out of a tough time. Don’t ever think that the hardships that befall you are for your demise.  No, instead they are for your victory that you might rejoice in God and others also may see you and gain triumph over their circumstances as well.

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Looking into 2018, let’s not make resolutions. Instead let’s make peace.  Peace with ourselves, with others and with life’s twists and turns. Let’s decide that no hardships or troubles are going to be the end of the story for us – but instead let’s trust that God will work those times into our tapestry of life so that they shine brightest that others may follow. We have a choice, as hard as it can be to rise up over difficult circumstances, we have a choice to be joyful or let it depress us. Let’s choose to be at peace with ourselves and others, forgiving and moving forward with love in our hearts.  Let’s forgive ourselves for not living up to our own standards or others, and let’s take courage to not live blindly and comfortably but instead to branch out into the unknown, fully trusting God has us in his very capable hands.

Let’s dare to be great.

Happy New Year to you all~

 

If you have questions or need direction on how to begin to make a change, don’t hesitate to contact me. Leave a comment or email me – you can also reach out on social media like Linked In. 

Love will get you to where you need to be~