Unplugged: A Week without the Internet

On By Ashley GatewoodIn Bread & Butter Morsels5 Comments

From noon last Wednesday until noon this Wednesday I spent an entire week not utilizing the internet. It was an eye-opening foray into the dark murky waters of-

>Eminent boredom and time stretching into an infinite blackhole<

My trepidation was a bit melodramatic but the anxiety was real.

In the wee hours of the first morning I sat down with my coffee on the couch and instead of reaching for my laptop I just sat there staring at the table. I had put my laptop in a drawer out of sight. I opened my notebook/scheduler and my bible and started reading, praying and meditating on a few verses God had impressed on my heart for this year.

I seriously had an anxious outlook on this whole unplugged thing. It’s hard to express it in words – perhaps you should try it yourself to see what I mean – it’s a habit or addiction almost. Something about the internet and the year 2020 has ingrained in us this idea of being cutoff with only social media to keep everyone together. Quarantine and lockdowns exacerbated this feeling.

Whatever it was, I knew I had to break that habit if for no other reason than because it is a false belief.

I went about my day as usual; workout, walking, swimming, cleaning and working: just a normal day. But every time I’d sit down or relax I’d catch myself wanting my laptop. Pretty sure it was the feeling of withdrawal I was experiencing, haha!

So, I got into a huge book. None other than Moby Dick. I mean, seriously. Of all things that could curb my internet withdrawals. But sure enough, it was the perfect book. Off on a great seafaring journey I went. Read the whole thing. (No, no, that’s a lie. I skipped the pretentious, ever-rambling expositions). And I now know more about the insides of a whale and the whaling industry of the 1850’s than I ever wanted to know.

I might write a blog post of what I think about this book in the future.

Anyway, on the third day something interesting started happening. The desire to get on the internet faded into the background and I settled into my immediate surroundings. I started going through some boxes in the closets and realized I had two aquariums purchased back in 2018 that I had yet to setup. A small 5 gallon and a larger 40 gallon.

All the equipment and most of the accessories were there. It was a treat really. Since I’ve been working from home and endeavoring to change my career, I haven’t had the luxury of shopping. I enjoy shopping. But I’m on a mission this year, so thrifty is the name of the game at present. Opening up everything which I had put away almost 3 years ago was fun and therapeutic in a way.

Not to mention I now had another project to add to my unplugged week: what type of aquariums do I want to setup! I love planted aquariums, biotopes, little interesting and extraordinary fishes 🙂 Fish-keeping isn’t guppies and mollies and goldfish. That’s kid’s play. Fish-keeping is dwarf pea puffers and shell dwellers and honey gourami. Fish with personalities and adorable quirks. It’s cichlid tanks, blackwater biotopes and lush jungle tanks.

#GOALS…

So now all things were good! I had projects – I always need projects. Something to think about and challenge myself with. The internet was floating somewhere under the dark waters Captain Ahab was sailing through, keeping company with the Great White Whale lost in the darkness.

I can read and study forever. And the internet is full of any and everything a curious mind could get into. It’s the easy fix. And I’ve found it can be a big distraction from other interesting projects.

Let me not make light of my time in the word of God and the peace I experienced giving Him more of my time, at the very beginning of the day as opposed to just sinking into the billion dots on the screen.

I’ve decided on some rearranging in the house that I’ve been mulling over for months. A little unplugged clarity and I arrived at the solution – where to house the aquariums, what furniture needed to be moved, moved out or donated – and after my week unplugged I feel I’ve been through a cleansing and refreshing. The internet has been an excuse to delay things.

I highly recommend going unplugged for a week. I kept email going of course; I have to work and get back with people. I don’t want to miss opportunities but I think anyone can do without all the social media sites for a week.

I’m thinking of going unplugged for a week every month. Maybe not the entire internet – I will need it for my work. But Twitter, FB, etc can take a backburner far more often. Think about how many times we check our phones….

I have a ton of blog post ideas too – so much to talk about – diets, swimming, health, food….

Several of which will have to be about aquariums 🙂

Be free, be well friends~

Integrity and Expectations

On By Ashley GatewoodIn Bread & Butter MorselsLeave a comment

“No, you may not do evil so that good may come from it.” ~Fulton J Sheen

If a decision you made was good, moral and ethical, then you made the right decision. If anyone ever asks you to do something that is contrary to integrity and uprightness (no matter who they are) and you refuse to back down because you know it would be the wrong thing to do, then at the risk of losing them, you have done the right thing.

People’s expectations are not your responsibility. It’s not your fault you may not ‘live up to’ someone else’s expectations of you. When your life belongs to God, you live it for Him to the best of your ability. Doing the good and just thing is admirable. Seeking fairness and justice are esteemed qualities which balances out those that would seek only to benefit themselves in this world.

There are already too many suffering at the hand of greed and selfishness.

If anyone expects you to do something contrary to your convictions and what you know to be right and honorable, then you must hold fast to your conventions. At the end of the day, people must deal with their own losses and ill-intentioned ambitions when they fall through.

Featured Image by Frank Mckenna.

Balancing Social Media for Creative Introverts

On By Ashley GatewoodIn For Artists and Creative FolkLeave a comment

The Struggle Between Being Social and an Introvert is Real

One of the aspects of being a creative person that tends to slow me down is social media; specifically pertaining to marketing, social interacting and promotion. I don’t always want to be in the public’s eye and I’m not always feeling social. If fact, I’m much more reserved and introverted than perhaps my posts would reveal. I have a hard time with it. There are times when I just disconnect totally from social media – I find peace and relaxation during these times. They are necessary part of my creative endeavors and staying mentally healthy.

Introverts Have a Love-Hate Relationship with Social Media

I love helping people and offering an encouraging word to keep them inspired. I do enjoy getting good feedback when I show my artwork. There are times though, that I feel I’m only interacting when I have something to show or share and the time in between is just ghosted. I feel bad about that in a way. I also know that I’m not obligated to constantly interact with people on social media.

I’m sure there is a happy medium somewhere but my predominating personality trait is to isolate and create. Then I come outside to see everyone and get my social meter back up. This pattern works for me, but I don’t want to isolate others in the process. That’s how followers are lost – or so I’m told on social media. And I’m not sure how well it works for promotion – people don’t want to be sold on something, they want to get to know the artist. This is hard too. I’m a private person yet having to show my life more publicly due to the nature of my business.

It’s a tightrope walk for me and probably many other creatives as well. We are mainly introverted and atypical socially.

Since the whole 2020 pandemic debacle, I haven’t felt much like painting – or maybe I fell out of the habit. I had a rhythm down which was working. But I’ve made a ton of life changes since this time last year and the pattern fell away. I feel bad about that but the problem with creating is: if you don’t have much inspiration for it, it’s hard to do it.

Consistency vs. Creativity vs. Working

And I’ve moved on to writing for now and focusing on that. I’m not the best at multitasking, and I don’t feel bad about that at all. Want to live a convoluted reality? Go ahead and multitask your life away. How can I ever give my full attention to anything and make progress if I’m constantly distracted by 10 other things? It makes no sense really. Even so, I should make a goal of at least getting back into completing one painting a week. That wasn’t so hard. I think at the time it was a pressure release from work.

Sometimes I think I struggle with consistency, and maybe so. But I also am sensitive to going with the flow – if something is going to work better then I’m not resistant to try it. I think these things can work in tandem, I just need a bit more practice with the balancing.

Creatives can also be a little all-over-the-place 🙂 Hopefully I can branch out again into the painting soon. I do miss it. And I’m still unsure of the direction of this blog. I really am not interested in becoming a professional blogger – too much time and money invested for little results. If people like my work and want to connect, I’m here. That’s about all I can offer right now.

Have a great week everyone~

Featured image by Patrick Tomasso

Never Give Up On Your Dreams

On By Ashley GatewoodIn How to Follow Your DreamLeave a comment

One of the hardest things to overcome when following your dream is the urge to give up. It’s hard to go against the grain and follow your own path – the one that makes sense to you that no one else understands. But everyone who has been successful will say it: they have failed multiple times but the key was to never give up.

One thing I’ve noticed over my lifetime is that sometimes it’s hard for the people who have been a part of your life or previous career to accept that you’re moving on. I understand it because there have been many times I’ve wanted to follow my dream but I’ve not had the opportunity to do so. People move on, things change. And we are creatures of habit – we don’t like change. And unfortunately even resentment can come into play.

There will be those who purposefully disengage because you are no longer a part of their life – it’s hard but you have to realize this and don’t let it stop you or hinder your forward momentum. Perhaps they will come back at some later time. Stick to your path and continue moving forward.

Keep going. Pray for them; but you stay on your ordained path. You can better your life and maybe reach a level where others can learn from you and you can give back in many valuable ways to others who need your knowledge and wisdom to better their own situation.

So just a word of encouragement for you today sweet people:

God’s got you. Keep going, everything will be alright. You’re one step closer to fulfilling your dream~

Featured image by Lili Popper 

Complexities of the Human Being and the Implications of Marriage pt. 2

On By Ashley GatewoodIn Love:: Lifestyle:: HealthLeave a comment

 …“the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul.”

Attachment

Let’s face it, if two friends can have their souls knitted together because of how they feel toward one another, how much more are two people romantically involved going to be knit together?

We are complicated, complex creations with layers of habits, addictions, quirks and adorable (sometimes annoying?) personality traits. When two people form an attachment, all their layers become one layer, together, intermingled. Soul, spirit (and body in sexual relations). But it’s not so beautifully descriptive if ever the two want to part ways. It’s more like a messy destructive entanglement than a flowing heavenly connectedness.

I think this is why we really weren’t created to be with more than one other person, monogamously. God understood the beauty of becoming one and the devastation it brings when something that is together must now separate, when there is no distinction between the two anymore. I can’t imagine. It hurts bad enough just losing a friend, like David and Jonathan, much less when two people become one bound by sexual relations.

(I know, most people don’t think so much – I get it! I like to think, it’s like a past time activity for me. And writing is how I make sense of things sometimes. In no way am I this methodical in real life.)

Anyway, it becomes more important as a Christian to be mindful of attachment. Let me share these scriptures for reference from 1 Corinthians 6:15-20,

Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.”  But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit.

And again…

Do you not know that you are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in you?

1 Corinthians 3.16

So here we have to understand that we are also one with God and that whoever we become one with as a triune being, we then join them with the body of Christ. Now within marriage this is sanctified, true and holy.

Jesus spoke the following,

I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in me, and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.

John 15.5

Because I live, you also will live. On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you.

John 14.20

In order to write about human beings in this way, I have to almost step out of myself to look objectively at human nature and how we interact with one another. But I love talking about it. People are so skittish about the things of God. Why shouldn’t we be curious about Him? Why shouldn’t we desire to draw near to Him?

God is a mystery. But He let’s us catch up to Him sometimes…

Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known.

Jeremiah 33.3

Ah! I love Him, I love seeking Him – such a beautiful Person He is.

The Mystery of God

I love peering into the mysteries of the handiwork of God, creation, science, human nature and everything concerning God’s heart. So much inside Him…

I’m there, you are there, in His heart. A heart so big the universe itself cannot expand fast enough to ever fill it – and still – He knows the exact number of every hair on our heads down here on earth. God – indeed He is lovely~

This triune being He has created far exceeds all of mankind’s thoughts about it – we try to define ourselves and who and what we are and want from life – but we can’t clearly form the words, not without His insight.

One must inquire of the Creator to understand the work.

That’s what I’m doing here really, in these posts – inquiring of God about His work. About me, about those around me. That’s all. Just trying to peer into God’s heart~

Don’t Be Afraid to Inquire of God

I love how Jesus wasn’t afraid to just go there sometimes. He spoke knowing people would end up leaving Him, turning their back on Him and walking away. But He spoke the words anyway and didn’t even bother to explain!

John 6:4-5 “Whoever eats My flesh and drinks My blood remains in Me, and I in him.”

vs 66:  From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him.

Communion of course was the reference Jesus was making. We know and understand this because we now see clearly into the mirror of the Cross. But at that time they didn’t and thought He was actually referring to flesh and blood.

All of these sayings, all of these things Jesus is speaking of makes it clear to me we are one with the Lord. And this makes me think before doing something stupid just because my carnal nature (that physical fallen nature of the human being) desires something.

He has fashioned us to also be capable of becoming one if we choose to, monogamously with someone else. This is a beautiful experience because it reflects the oneness God shares with us, His creation.

I might might write more about this in a third post sometime.

The Complexities of the Human Being and the Implications of Marriage pt.1

On By Ashley GatewoodIn Love:: Lifestyle:: HealthLeave a comment

Since about 2016, I’ve been thinking about what it would mean for me to share my life with and create a life together with another person. I always said jokingly (but not so much) that I’d meet my forever partner in the nursing home. I have no plans (who does) of needing a nursing home in later life, but the concept that I’d meet this person around 75 years of age was the point.

But perhaps I won’t wait that long. So I have been considering the impact having another person in my life and specifically the impact of becoming one with them would have on my walk with God. My life is so simple – but I’m fiercely complicated in personality.

So, I may decide this is not the right choice for me at all – marriage that is – but there are many ways to go about sharing ones life with another person.

One thing’s for sure, I have done my best to live life for God because after all – no offense married folk – scripture states that the pinnacle of life is remaining single so that we are free to follow God. The pinnacle isn’t marriage. The pinnacle of American society is marriage – though this is also changing rapidly with younger generations who are finding the binding institution of marriage to be stifling and restrictive.

But really, if you want to become one with another human being, there is a price to pay. And there are consequences which are not always pleasant. I think too much, I know. But then again, I make far less mistakes. There are drawbacks to each approach. So far, mine has worked rather well for me. But let’s get into this, shall we?

What Becoming One With Another Person Really Encompasses

Let’s talk for a moment about the human creation. We are triune beings comprised of these three parts: soul, spirit and body.

The Soul:

Now the soul – to further break it down – is comprised of the mind, will and emotions. It is where the human condition arises, where the battleground exists when we think of doing evil or doing good. The battle is in the soul; the mind thinking the thought, the emotions influencing that thought and the will taking control and putting that thought into action, making it a reality.

Soul: Mind

So the soul is the fallen aspect of the human which occurred when sin entered the world. This is why ‘the washing of the water of the word of God’ is so important – renewing the mind is a daily necessity. The soul and the spirit are like bone to marrow – so closely linked that only God’s word can precisely cut between them to decipher thought from intention. If you think that’s easy, try focusing on why you have a particular thought and whether or not that thought is of any premeditated intention (because intentions can lie dormant in the primitive brain which remains hidden from us). Too deep a subject to get into right now.

Soul: Emotions

Continuing with the soul: Emotions are what influence our actions everyday and either help us or hurt us depending on how renewed our thought-life is (i.e. how much of God’s word is in us, how much of God’s knowledge and wisdom we know). Emotions, still part of the fallen aspect, can be a serious issue if we are unable to control them and think through what we are feeling in a more logical way. Emotions are what cause us to do the wrong thing because it feels right at the moment.

Soul: Will

The last aspect of soul is the will. The will is the power behind everything we do. We can will ourselves to do almost anything as long as fear is kept in check. The will is also part of that fallen state that must be continually renewed – it’s not a one-time deal (there is only one, one-time deal which we’ll get to in a moment.)

The will is what started the building of the Tower of Babel for instance. God said, ‘when they put their minds together in unity, there is nothing they cannot accomplish’. We are such fragile beings, yet because we are made in the image of God, we are the most powerful creation He has made – albeit, without the Holy Spirit, the angels would be more powerful than humans because we still exist in this natural world (ah! but this is another topic altogether! Maybe I’ll write about it sometime.)

The Spirit:

Now the spirit is the true and everlasting part of our triune being. In billions of people, their spirit lies dormant within them because only God can give life to our spirit. (God breathed the breath of life into Adam.) Spiritual death is both life and death apart from God. This is not where you want to be – Christ is the answer to spiritual death. “I am the way the truth and the life. Apart from me you can do nothing”. Listen to how Jesus talks about the human condition and how he remedies all of it:

John 6:35 (paraphrased): I am the bread of life…The bread that I will give is my flesh for the life of the world and he who eats of this bread s/he shall live forever, s/he shall not die.

John 11:25 I am the resurrection and the life. Anyone who believes in me will live, even after dying.

This is profound! It is what many intellectuals and scientists long for, eternal life, immortality. But they reject it as coming from a Superior Being as they would call Him. Eternal life cannot be provided by any other means outside of spiritual salvation. This requires Jesus Christ – and this is the world’s stumbling block.

One-Time Deal

The spirit is not in need of renewal but it does need to be fed, so-to-speak, by the word of God. The word is likened to bread, or sustenance which we must eat in order to live. Without the word of God, the spirit will be too weak to contend with the soul (our fallen nature) and we will sin. Ah, the kerfuffle of the Christian walk, the soul always longing for the desires of this world which wrestles against the nature of God and spirit. Thank God for the blood of His Son that redeemed us in spite of our sin nature.

The spirit is the only part of us that gets a one-time deal on life. Once you received Jesus Christ as your savior, there is nothing else that needs to be done. Christ is the only one-time deal, praise God for Him! To understand more about this, you may read this post The Difference Between Righteousness and Holiness.

Now let’s move on to the third aspect of the human being.

The Body:

The body is our tent. It’s what houses all these complex intricacies of mind, will, emotion and spirit. It gives form to the human species and is also fashioned in the likeness of God. Our body is what makes all that we are in soul and spirit autonomous and able to move freely and have our being on this earth. The body is the physical aspect of who we are and the part of us that is mortal.

The human body is passing away – even so, the whole world is at this moment already passing away, temporal and not to be invested in. We are sojourners belonging to the eternal kingdom of God but finding ourselves inhabiting a temporal earth; we are everlasting, immortal beings born into the world for only a time and to save as many as we can that His will in heaven might come to pass on earth. Selah~

To be continued in Part 2

Next time, we will talk about how we are one with God as Jesus describes it in the vine and the branches teaching and how this relates to becoming one with another person. We’ll talk about the interesting statement Paul made concerning the human body being ‘the temple of the living God’ – wow! – and how this also relates to becoming one with another person.

For now, I’ll leave you with a most interesting statement Jesus made, which also caused many of his followers to stumble and stop following him. This stuff isn’t for lazy religious Christians. It’s for those who want to truly understand God and know who they were created to be in God.

John 6:4-5 “Whoever eats My flesh and drinks My blood remains in Me, and I in him.”

Now hold on, don’t fall away yet. It’s just starting to get interesting…

Until next time…

Featured Photo by The Humantra

My Sunshine Walks Changed My Life

On By Ashley GatewoodIn How to Follow Your DreamLeave a comment

Over the summer I shared several ways we can move into a satisfying life which brings greater happiness and freedom. (I have so much more to share on this topic.) Sometimes this process can take years, other times only months or even days.

The first time I put these principles of unconventional living into action, it took about four years. But somehow the end result of those four years catapulted me 7000 miles across the Pacific Ocean to an island in the middle of nowhere.

This time however, it took one season and I’m not going 7000 miles away thank goodness! But the idea of breaking free from a nine-to-five job seemed unattainable. Then I started walking and praying in the park…

Those Sunshine Walks changed my life. No joke. After walking and talking with God through the summer months, and really embracing the idea of an unconventional approach to life, I have discovered a few things that have kept me from living a life more true to myself. I’ll share with you what has happened.

I have worked 21 years in the business/corporate world which consumed all of the best hours of my day. Everything I’ve ever been passionate about – writing, art, nonprofit work, reading, volunteering – I relegated to the fringes of my life. All these things would start and stop continually because invariably my 40 hour workload snuffed them out.

It wasn’t too bad when I was younger because I had the energy to halfway punt and fit everything into my schedule. But as I grew older I dropped more of the activities I cherished and reality sank in…

I was shackled to making a living – but not doing much living at all.

It’s impossible to dedicate yourself to something when it remains on the fringes of your life. What’s more, it’s near impossible to be successful at it. I thought to myself, either move it front-and-center if it means that much to you, or leave it as a mere offshoot among all the business of daily chores and career and be unhappy.

Forget that. Sometimes the heart just won’t let you betray yourself any longer.

During the course of the summer, walking gave me precious time to search my heart and I realized after some scary introspection that I had to let everything go. I had to let go of the fear of failure, the fear of others’ disapproval and the fear of going it alone. Men ambitiously forge their own path often; women not so much, though we’re getting better at it.

So I made the decision to do just that. Forge my own way. Of course God will be with me (who needs anything more?) And He’ll connect me with all the right people and opportunities to make this a successful venture.

I’ll be leaving the daily corporate grind to move a writing career front-and-center. I’ve given myself one year to establish a platform and make a living. It’s going to take a lot of hard work, but it’s work I will enjoy! If after a year I am not earning a living, I’ll seek something more in line with my values and interests: nonprofit, publishing/editing, arts, etc.

It’s just time to launch out and do what makes me happy. I believe that if I spend the majority of my day working hard at what I love, I can have more success than merely working for a living.

Finally, balance. We don’t appreciate enough the peace balance brings to our lives.

There’s nothing more damaging to a creative soul than having to work where there is no opportunity to create anything at all. It’s maddening, frustrating and ultimately depressing. It’s who we are, yet we’re given no opportunity to be who we are. It’s a recipe for sadness.

You see, everyone wants you to be what will make them happy, comfortable and less stressed. Then you get the stamp of approval. But you walk away unhappy and empty.

Not anymore.

This summer, God and I decided I’m not living for anyone else. Going to close that chapter right now.

If I think about it, I really was like Enoch, I “walked with God, and then I was not”. Haha. Not a lot of things that I thought I was. God pulled me out of my old unprofitable mindset that was killing me and brought me into His plan for my life. Spending time with God helps us find ourselves and ultimately, happiness.

Prayer is powerful. And God isn’t joking around. It’s taken longer for me but rushing is the worst thing I could’ve done, and I know God’s timing is perfect.

I have a few more months before finishing my current obligations – I wouldn’t feel right otherwise. But I’m super excited about the path ahead!

Featured Image by Toa Heftiba

Love Others (as You Love Yourself)

On By Ashley GatewoodIn Love:: Lifestyle:: Health1 Comment

To love oneself isn’t a bad thing. It is loving yourself according to 1 Corinthians 13. This is not the kind of love the world has when they make loving the SELF central to all existence.

I’m not referring to that. The SELF is not the center. JESUS is the center, Jesus said, “Love your neighbor AS YOURSELF.” So if loving yourself doesn’t matter, then we won’t have much love for others. Right?

I mean, if you hate yourself or can’t forgive yourself or are angry at yourself or impatient with yourself, then you will also be these things to your neighbor and anyone else in your life, even your friends and family.

How can you love others without first loving you? We should love ourselves according to 1 Corinthians 13 – this is biblical. This kind of love is only possible through Christ by asking Him to help us understand this level of love, free of the human condition. This is attainable by the power of the Holy Spirit and keeping as close to God as we can,

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

This level of love is attainable, but only with the help of the Holy Spirit. I pray we all gain a deeper understanding of this kind of love that never fails..

Featured image by Debby Hudson 

Write. Just write. That’s all…

On By Ashley GatewoodIn For Writers2 Comments

Here we go again. Distractions. Always the same, something not right about my position in front for the TV, or about the fact that I’m in the living room with the TV beckoning to me as I try and grind out a few words onto this digital paper. So many new words introduced to the English language in the last decade alone. Hard to keep up. 

Jump up. Grab the dangerous wiry thing that the kitten is threatening to swallow which will surely get lodged somewhere in her intestinal tract if it’s not retrieved. 

This is not easy. 

The words are easy the thoughts too but not the composing. Not the broader picture of telling the story, laying it out, leaving mystery without being too vague and boring. Creating suspense or humor or whatever one tries to conjure up to help themselves believe they’re doing something important or productive with their time.

I have a lot of rust to get off. Shake it, scrape it, whatever it takes but get it out of the cogs. It’s holding everything up. The problem is not with starting. Not with me. At least not most of the time. It’s sticking with it. I have no time. Being a writer is a very glamorous thought; and deceptive. Anyone who writes is a writer. Same as anyone who talks is a talker or lies is a liar. 

It’s always something. It’s hard to write if you don’t read much. Got no words, no understanding of descriptions apart from boring verbs. Something more is needed. Insight; shedding light on a thing. Oh forget it; a better way to communicate. Something better is needed. 

It’s storming tonight. I hear, here, hare the rain pinging on the abandoned metal pipe vents of this nineteen-sixties home.  Hoping the lights don’t go out.  And that my cats aren’t tearing away at the furniture in the back room.

I just don’t want trouble period. Who does? I want mornings to sleep into. And coffee to leisurely wake up with on the porch.

I don’t cook now precisely because I am too tired and have no time.  And though a woman may catch her game, she will certainly starve if she doesn’t take the time to roast it. 

Let’s go get dessert; ice cream? No, actually just brush my teeth so I can go to bed. Why can’t teeth be like eardrums? I don’t have to brush my eardrums before bed. Albeit, I’m not sticking skittles into my ears to digest, never mind…

Perhaps I should keep the notebook near just in case a dream or sleep-thought is a good one and I need to wrap the butterfly net over it quickly in the dark before it gets away.

Sleeping is good. Still rusty and need to do something to shake the consequences of sedentary thought out of my ears and eyes and well, off my life. I just want to get up to feed the kittens. They are really hungry tonight.  Ravenous is a better word I think. I should have used ravenous. 

I should read more.

And the fact that my nose feels like a block of clay. It’s the middle of winter and it was 79 degrees yesterday and 30 something right now. So I just asked Siri to open the weather app.

Silence.

And she should be on standby listening to me so I don’t have to press the button each time. Or key or whatever.  Dear Jesus.  Fix her already. 

I don’t know what to do next. And now I’m hungry. Anyway, I need a plan. Do I need to start thinking about what type of book I want to write? 

Storyline

Characters

Plots 

And foibles 

I just don’t know

Still rusty. 

I can think back on little sparks of ideas that seemed so good and I never wrote them down, never captured them or if I did, I don’t know where the slips of paper I scratched disappeared to. Perhaps buried or crushed or thrown away; lost forever. Those ideas and thoughts were in my mind; so vivid and true. 

Now they are gone. Unbelievable. 

And I’m hungry. Why didn’t I go to the grocery store last week. Oversight. Now I have to eat canned spaghetti sauce over cooked noodles. So bland and boring. But I’m hungry and didn’t go to the grocery store. 

This time, I didn’t even hunt my game.

Featured Image by Jess Bailey